5.5-6 hours of sleep.
Am I writing for people? Am I writing for myself?
What is happening?
(I am in one of my spiraling inner panic / anxiety / self-doubt episodes right now).
My partner is moving several states away soon, and at first I thought maybe I’d move out there with them, but there’s a new opportunity for me here, and as a result, we will probably break up.
Feeling a whole mix of emotions.
7:41 AM – There’s this kind fascinated horror that happens – there’s the ‘panicker’:
“But what about this?! And what about that?! And this?!” They’re running around, flopping down in despair. Just kind of crazy, and all the while, there’s this other part, the observer, that can only watch:
“Uhhhhhh” And the observer is kind of panicking, too: “Dunno what to do! Dunno what to do! D…”
But deep breaths.
One thing at a time. One
Calm. Deep breaths.
I feel the chaos.
And I can also feel the calming effect of deep breaths.
Both can be true.
This blog keeps me accountable.
This blog helps keep me accountable.
(See how I like to externalize responsibility?)
Now I feel like crying.
Relax the shoulders.
so much tension…carried in there.
Relax the back the arms.
Hard to open the chest while typing.
But I want to relax that too.
Always in pain.
But always in breath, too.
Gah that was melodramatic.
Roll credits. (Self-hate)
I don’t feel…Ok, a part of me doesn’t feel like this breakup will be good for me. It’s established so much stability in my life. It’s brought me a lot of joy. Have learned tons about myself and how to navigate awkward, difficult parts with someone very close to you.
“They fill me with so much joy” (i.e. I won’t have that joy when they’re gone).
“When I see them, when I am with them, I feel joy.” (This takes more agency).
What is the self? (Rising panic, and beginning philosophical ramble: where is the human race headed? does my life mean anything? what would it take to get to a society living in harmony with itself and the rest of the biosphere? nothing I do matters. it’s all hopeless. Is there an afterlife? What difference would it make?)
All of this is a way to keep myself stimulated. It’s distracting. It causes more anxiety.
What’s helpful right now?
Making a schedule for the day:
Just made my list. It’s just one thing at a time.
Embodying the parent.
Fostering the parent self.
The parent self is calm. It doesn’t necessarily know what to do, but it knows that being confidently, gently calm with deep breaths, and thinking about basic next steps just for today, are important.
Foster the parent self.
So, a lot of this is very stream-of-conscious, if you couldn’t tell already. 8:08am Lolz