A few moments of choosing to sit with, observe, and breathe with my emotions, rather than compulsively going to my phone.
Pornography, video games, or Movie/TV platforms: None.
Physical contact/affection: Some. Not as much as I’d hope.
Yesterday was a little weird. Began to feel some withdrawal symptoms. Hadn’t gotten enough sleep. One of my coworkers began talking about a game that I had been playing last before beginning this attempt, and that wasn’t helpful. I wanted to say, “You know, I really don’t want to talk about this.” But instead, I just leaned into it. Why? Maybe because I wanted to seem courteous or friendly. He’s a nice guy.
When I got home, I had some pretty significant urges. The game station was just sitting there, available.
I took a nap.
But when I woke up, I began unstructured, impulsive browsing of Facebook, articles, and the like. It was all interesting, and there were some informative articles. But it was unstructured. It wasn’t the priority. And I felt like I had to keep going, like I couldn’t just stop.
Some good things:
- Seeing the ‘likes’ that are starting to come in for posts – that’s very heartening – thank you
- prepared to leave for somewhere in advance (instead of waiting until the last moment, then scrambling, then feeling pressure to drive faster)
- A man, completely naked, approached me aggressively in the locker room trying to talk with me and got angry when I said I just wanted to change and wished him a good workout. It made me so uncomfortable I left and reported it to the front desk. Apparently he’s done this once before and has some social developmental issues, which I understand, but I was a little frustrated when it seemed like all the front desk people were going to do was apologize to me for my experience. This was the first time something like this has happened to me, so I didn’t have the wherewithal to ask the front desk people, “So…is there any kind of follow up to this? Are you going to approach him and talk to him about how doing XYZ is inappropriate?” He didn’t touch me, and I did go back in and change, but he definitely slammed something in the bathroom. But…I feel like something worse could have happened and I walked away feeling like the deeper issue wasn’t resolved. I think our culture just extremely ill-equipped on how to have difficult, awkward, but civil, respectful, productive, healing conversations, with a variety of people.
- My partner and I fought last night. Among a few other things, they got their upper wisdom teeth removed the day before and couldn’t eat much of anything more than yogurt consistency, and I had made a salad for dinner, and they got frustrated at me for eating in front of them. They were pretty frustrated about some other issues, so I was trying to be understanding about the salad thing, and some of the other things they said, but it was difficult. I am still learning how to express ‘productive/respectful anger’, and not ‘lash-back anger’, or ‘get even anger’. Nonviolent Communication is a big thing for me.
Was this a successful day? Partially. Still need work towards structured time.