Sometimes I find it difficult to concentrate and remember: ok, what is this blog about again? I want it to be so many things.
I find that, occasionally (maybe even often) writing in this stream-of-conscious way tends to stir up my inner anxiety/despair/self-criticism. Why is that?
I want this to be some kind of record (for science??) about documenting the attempt of a 30-something white male to end an addiction to pornography, video entertainment, procrastination, excuses, avoidance, and a child/follower bear-no-responsibility mind-set over the course of a year.
But, a key step of recovery, I think, is replacing those activities with something that’s positive and something that develops and manifests the core of who I am, so wouldn’t this blog also need to include what I am doing, and not just what I have avoided doing?
Because, I’d like to think I am not just my addiction, even though whenever I think about who I am, that’s often what I think about.
We are a mix of desirable and undesirable qualities, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sure, if I could press a button and be perfect, I’m not sure what would stop me from pressing it. But what does that even mean, and is it even categorically possibly? What is ‘perfection’? And if I never made mistakes, I would lose something quintessential to myself. Would I even be able to recognize myself? Would I actually be conscious? Or just some kind of automaton? Is a fundamental part about being human the process of holding space for your imperfection and fallibility? The understanding that at this very moment, because of my lack of knowledge of the future and all options, I am on course to my next mistake, my next thousand mistakes, and eventually, my death.
I think I am going to develop a kind of checklist. I’m not sure if I will complete it daily, or if I will do a kind of review at the end of each week.
Work in progress:
- Pornography? Yes, 1x, yesterday (Sun)
- Video games? No
- YouTube? Yes, in the presence of my partner.
- Unstructured news browsing? Yes
- Unstructured general browsing? Yes
- TV/Movies? Yes, but with another human being
- Maintaining clean apt? No
- Sleep for at least 7 hour? No
- Career/Passion work?
- Misc/daily chore/task work?
- Eating well?
- Physical affection? (Hugs, cuddling, sex)
- Feeling the inner parent?
- Social interaction?
Frustrated by/ Needs work:
I can feel how this blog can become an avoidance mechanism (and it has been that occasionally). I still am figuring out how to establish a balance.
One of my biggest challenges is simply maintaining some sort of basic schedule and plan for the day. 98% of my life has been becoming absorbed by some activity until an external force pulls me out of it.